Celtic Attic: Humor

Humor

Religious One Liners
- Here's to the sun God Re`, He sure is a fun God when he shines his power upon us, Re`, Re`, Re` ...!!!!!
- A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two
  gods.
- Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice
  sandwich.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
- There are two kinds of people: those who say to God: Thy will be
  done, and those to whom God says: All right, then, have it your way when you go to Burger King! - C.S. Lewis
- Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -- G.K. Chesterton
- Make God laugh - plan for the future.
- I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared
  for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill
- A high priest of witchcraft, a Jewish rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
- When you do a good deed, take your time til you grow old, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
- Eve to Adam: Pphhh! Right?!?! But take a good guess who grows and nurtures the plants honey!! Bite me and move it over til I have them ready, if I hang it out honey, so can you and your dingle-ling!
- And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.
- And on the 8th day, Murphy said "let's all party!.......!!!!!'.
- Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
- Give me some of that old-time Religion... HAIL ZEUS!
- If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so
  badly?
- Instant shaman - add one drum and beat slowly.
- Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.
- Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!
- That was Zen. This is Tao.
- Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
- The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our
  enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
- The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't
  get much sleep.
- To YOU I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's
  see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
- And the evolutionists swims with it,..... and really gets 'all ducky' about it!!
- But when did I realize when I was a witch, when I knew I could do magick when the Universe that runs all the religions, promoted me as such!
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- If you freeze to death and end up in hell... wouldn't you be
  really comfortable some point along the way? Or do you need the heater or the AC on???? C'mon, .... we are waiting!!!
- If Jesus came back today and saw what was being done in his name,
  he'd never stop throwing up. Keep passing the pails!!!!
- If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, italian, sushi, starbuck's coffee, steak and potatoes, beer, wine, and a cup of desire, cause that's what he's getting.
- I have free rent with my Goddess, as long as I am good, we are One! Right Goddess!?
- Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene
  Bolton
- They think, therefore I am. - God
- SATAN, SATAN! It's the main megafurnace! She's losin' power and
  the temperature is dropping fast! I'm not sure if I can hold her! ---
  Scotty in Hell..
- Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
- Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God
  pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain, glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But..he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."